Happy Birthday Mom

It feels both like you were just here and that it has been a million years since I have seen you. Today is your birthday and I don’t know what to do. Something big doesn’t feel right. I miss you terribly. I have moments of pure devastation and pure nostalgia. There is no way feeble words can express the gratitude for all the times we had together and what you meant to my family. It also means I can’t escape how prominent you were in my life. 

Obviously I wouldn't even have a life without you, but also it wouldn't be the incredible life it is without your love and support. 

I am experiencing little glimmers of healing. Moments where I am able to have a little bandwidth for some self care and not just survival. The hole left by your absence will always be there, but the seeds you planted with care that assisted me in becoming the person I am will continue to grow around it. 

So on your birthday I send out gratitude. To you. Because of all the things I feel, the biggest is grateful for all that you contributed to my life. Mostly by being the best Grammy. Sometimes Aiden gets his jacket and goes to the front door and I know he is missing you. I know he misses your outings and eating Chinese food with you. All those special things he got to do with his Grammy who he loves so much.

Last year I made the chocolate peanut butter cup cake (pictured above) for your birthday. I know I get my enjoyment of cooking and baking from you. I love our simple birthday traditions of a meal and dessert. Sometimes bought, sometimes homemade, always with love. I remember the year you asked me to order my own cake and it became a family joke. I ordered a chocolate chip cookie cake and picked a design that had the most icing. I remember the year I asked you to make prime rib and you did and it was delicious. I didn't realize at the time what a big ask it was, but how could I? You were always willing. I also remember the year you asked for homemade hostess cupcakes and what a pain it was, but I was happy to do it. I get that from you too. 

I remembered the other day how you actually used coupons for restaurants and always got your free Starbucks on your birthday. You had certain meals you ordered because it was enough food to eat it twice. Today I will get a cinnamon dolce with 2 pumps of vanilla in your honor and order Outback because we have rewards that expire in a few days. I will cry a lot, smile a lot and hold your memories close. I will send gratitude out into the universe because not everyone has someone who will make them prime rib if they ask them to.